mere sentences

[machinery]

a little restoration would
be nice...
of your heart
&
views
'cause you are
just...different
to my eyes

so I wish our dreams
could be the same
& the measures of our
breaths just as long
so maybe once,
we could walk together
& exchange our lost
values
of friendship &
words of seven month
departure.

but
I know...

it's me
& how I freeze
in your presence
but - if you only knew,
like the jurors &
the rest of the court,
the interrogation I go
&
put
myself
through.

These dreams. of you.
exist. only at times.
where you. can't.
respond. or take.
real action.

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[Rat Lowelle]

Good flow

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[Pixelina]

pretty cool, i'd say, i like the phrasing
and i like the punctuation in the last stanza

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[ranter]

eh...i am not going to say if i like it or not, only that i probably have read it already...a lot of your work now is almost running into the same long, never-ending pome of your loss of her, and your desire to be back...this one does show growth and almost-almost-a reluctance to admit the end, much like the last stanza, the short gasps, the realization...you try to end the pome, but those little mere words keep holding the end farther and farther away. keep it up eh, ol' chap hehehe

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[machinery]

so thommy, what you saying.......i mean, why wouldn't I want to give over it..but also, why would I want to give over it....she was something exotic...something never to be obtained again....prolly one of my main writing subjects of all time...you know...i don't think it will ever change...,....but anyhows...give me some more....

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[parch]

well now,

you've come back to the message you are usually sending anyway, and now it's right here in front of the face. i like this and i think you probably needed to write it, correct? it's not too wordy, not too extravagent and not too anything.. very simple but you get me there... of course.. i know the story line already, but still, it's nice. i didn't like the ending at first cause i just brushed by the periods but i think if you're reading this and you didn't get the ending (all you wonderfull hostboard goers) - then go back and read it slow... hit the periods.. it helps. aside from that.. as writing goes - it all fit but the second stanza. which just didn't flow is all.

this could go for your script. good addition probably.

[rose]

DIFFERENT. I liked it though. im not into the periods in the last stanza nor do i understand them...maybe u could explain your reasoning...if any. i didnt like them because without them it flowed. well i contrary to parch thought that the fourth stanza didnt flow to well towards the end, but i thought that the second went ok. i liked the word "freeze" it added something to it...

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[machinery]

the reasoning for the periods was to take a break after saying it...that way, it sunk in.....i wanted it to be very stressful, prolific and such.....if you take time..and like parch said, read real slow, you will get the idea.....just take a pause when the periods come into play....try that......


i wrote this last night when i was drinking..so make of it what you will...hehehe

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